Girl to sell virginity at auction

An 18 year old virgin is actually selling herself to pay for college fees, it emerged today.

Alina Percea, from Romania, said she was doing it because she wanted her first time 'to be special' and 'didn't want it to be a quickie.'

She hopes to raise around £50,000, however it appears she may have made a gross miscalculation on how much virginity is worth these days because so far the bid is at a pathetic £5,000.

The absurdity continued when she said that she hoped to meet the man of her dreams through the auction. She hopes that the winning bidder will be a gentle, respectful and generous man although at the moment all she knows is the highest bidder is a dirty, old man.

'Official looking ties may fool old-folks' - Daily Express

It has emerged today that Kent police have set up their own little shop. Mums with bad taste can purchase gifts designed by people with bad taste for their little babies, who will supposedly grow up to have bad taste.

The story here is that they spent £10,000 on setting up a shop instead of £10,000 banging up hoody donning bank robbers.

But the Express, bless them, have gone for another angle. In journalist Martyn Brown's own words, the shop offers items 'which criminals could use to impersonate officers such as official looking ties, cufflinks and pens.'

When someone comes knocking at your door claiming to be a police officer the first thing everyone always says is: 'Can I see your tie/cufflinks/pen please officer' isn't it? Just to verify that they really are a crimefighter.

It makes me wonder how stupid the Express thinks Britain is.

I mean if the Express is right, we could be facing an impersonation epidemic. Just think how many other people you could impersonate with official looking cufflinks, ties and pens! Car salesmen, stock brokers, estate agents - the list is endless.

Kent police are even encouraging babies to impersonate police with their 'Hi-viz kids police jacket' seen below.

With all these babies running around knocking on people's doors and pretending to be police officers, could this mean the end of a safe Britian/credible Daily Express?

Liberal Democrat gets cheeky...

Lembit Opik, a Liberal Democrat MP that no-one should have ever heard-of, has been heard-of today, after it emerged that despite his general appearance and occupation, he is seeing a rather dashing young Romanian popstar...

46 year old Opik, originally from Estonia, has been reported to be seeing one of the Cheeky Girls, Gabriela Irimia pictured right.

So, Mr Opik is single-handedly increasing the 'street-cred' of all MPs, who have a knack for appearing old, uncool and totally 'un-hip' - and yes, that includes David Cameron.

Getting a supple, 24 year old Romanian beauty as your lady is no mean feat, especially when you are a politician, let alone with the Lib-Dems, but this story becomes even more incredible when you realise that Lembit has a face to rival that of Mo Mowlam and Ann Widdecombe put together. (OK that may have been in bad taste but I figured she's certainly not going to care... Mo that is..)


Anyway, pictured to the left is the charmer, Mr Lembit Opik. He was previously engaged to Sian Lloyd, the annoying weather lady, (pictured below) but who could blame him for giving her the kick?








So, why, I hear you ask, does Mr Opik get all the ladies? Well god only knows, but my personal theory is the 'geek chic' theory. I'm not entirely sure on the specifics of it, but it basically means that geeks somehow get beautiful ladies, like Seth Cohen got Summer and Anna in the O.C.

So, want a hot date? Go study Physics, stay in all day and play lots of computer games in your spare time. OR become a Liberal Democrat MP...

Knievel Vs Kanye

Evel Knieval is suing Kanye West, because the rapper wore a suit that resembled the decrepit daredevil's, in his latest music video. It seems that Knieval, though he can jump death defying gorges in oversized rocket powered bob-sleighs, he can not stomach a little bit of banter from a fellow American.

'Evel Kanyeval', as the rap-star quite imaginatively named himself, wears a suit that is apparently identical to the 68 year old flying-fogey's own, even down to the 'EK' belt buckle, in his new music video.

Knieval has started a possible war of words with the rapper, after saying Kanye was "a disgrace" to him, and that the video was not just "a cheap shot", but a "cheap cheap shot."

West is expected to fight back with insults such as, 'old fart', 'crazy old git' and 'god-damn pensioner.'

Taken from his own official bio, some of the 'career highlights' of the oddly named stunt-man, include: "crashing in an attempt to clear the fountains at Caesar's Palace in Vegas", "crashing while trying to clear 13 pepsi-cola trucks", and "suffering serious injury after crash landing his motorcycle at San Fransico's Cow Palace."

With 'career highlights' which mainly consist of crashing, you would have thought the old-fella would be happy to have reached such a grand old age without being flattened against the side of a yellow school bus, but alas, he obviously feels the need to ruin his image even more, by kicking up a fuss about a video that pokes a very small amount of fun at him.

The moral of the story is: if you decide to take a career as a stunt-man, don't be surprised when you turn up in rap-videos because you made a name for yourself through crashing your motorcycle into variously-sized, hard, metal objects.

Clooney's hog heads to heaven...

'Max', George Clooney's best friend and pig, has finally left to meat his maker (ahem.)

But Max, as you may have guessed, was one privileged pot-belly. Any pig who can say it's 'best friend' is George Clooney, is sure to have the local high society sows crowding around in envy. Such is the life of A-list pork.

In a tear-jerkingly pitiful interview on the subject, an obviously devastated Clooney said he was "really surprised" when his beloved soulmate kicked the bucket (or perhaps the trough?)

But even though he 'bought the farm', Clooney's 300lb pet led a remarkably full life.

Max regularly accompanied George to film sets and mingled with the stars. Clooney even admits to sharing a bed with the now deceased hog on a regular basis. The bond between the two, could well be one of the longest celebrity relationships there ever was.

Recently, Clooney was voted 'Sexiest man alive' by 'People Magazine', but ironically his master's chiselled good looks were all but lost on the partially-blind pig.

You may think there isn't much more that Max could have possibly done with his life. But aswell as being born into Hollywood aristocracy, touring film sets with George and sharing a bed with the very same, Max managed to do something that even the most ambitious pigs may never achieve in their lifetime. Max, God bless his porky soul, managed to fly. But this wasn't any old cargo-hold that he flew in. It was the cargo-hold of John Travolta's very own plane. Up until the very end, Max was mingling with the cream of Beverly Hills.

So, there you have it. Even pigs can lead a full, productive and happy life in this day and age, so long as they are owned by a Hollywood A-lister... So if that doesn't inspire you to go and follow your dream, then personally, I don't know what will.

Bono, Bulgari and cowboy hats?

You would have thought Bono from U2, would have better things to do with his time than spend weeks fighting a highly charged court battle over a cowboy hat. For a band that makes millions of pounds every year, a £3,400 Stetson doesn't sound like much, but for summer-accessory crazed Bono, it means everything. Apparently.

As reported on BBC News, Bono has just won a court battle over a hat. God knows how much tax-payer's money that used up.

After giving his favourite hat to his stylist as a present, he suddenly realised that they could become fashionable soon, despite the fact that he used to wear one.

Unsurprisingly, the U2 lawyers got their way, and preceded to take the coveted cowboy hat back.

So now, as well as his expensive 'Bulgari' sunglasses, he can wear his expensive Stetson too. Who ever cared about world-poverty anyway?

No Christmas cards for Israel this year...

I suppose we had to fall into Israel's firing line sooner or later, on their hard-fought quest to get struck off the Christmas card list of most of the world. They certainly won't be receiving any from Lebanon or Palestine. America may also like to keep some distance from them after the embarrassment of Beirut, and Israel's constant flaunting of the UN resolutions.

Well, now they won't be getting any from the UK either, after they bulldozed and caused 'significant damage' to a commonwealth war cemetery in Gaza City. (I like the way the nice men and women at 'The Telegraph' sat on the story until the day after Remembrance Sunday. Good trick, that.)


The British Embassy in Tel Aviv has taken the initiative and sent an angry letter to the Israeli Military (the international equivalent of writing to your local MP about the loud music on a Friday night) and as of yet, has received no reply.

But then, nobody has been brought to account for the shooting of British TV cameraman James Miller, after he was filmed being shot in the neck by an Israeli tank. But that's a whole other story...